


my god is realer than yours

by orphan_account



Series: the umbrella academy [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (minor) - Freeform, (spoiler: it's five), Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Character Bashing, Cute, Drug Use, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Inspired by Music, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Canon Compliant, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Pickpockets, Reader Has Powers, Reader is a Very Bad Girl, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Teen Romance, Underage Drinking, also my timeline is f'ed up so sorry in advance, everything is also out of order sorry teehee, im not funny and im very sorry, no beta we die like ben, tua is soo good and im probably gonna butcher it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25891585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Are you always an idiot or is this just a one time show for me?" He turns to look at the girl behind him.She smiles."Nah, I'm just high as a kite right now, helps me get in touch with the object spirits y'know?"Or, alternatively, the AU where Five comes back many years earlier than in canon with the right calculations to stop doomsday.(woohoo im so good at writing summaries, anyway just ignore this really and maybe just... read?)~hiatus~
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)/Reader
Series: the umbrella academy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878868
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	1. alley oop

**Author's Note:**

> aah welcome to my circus. btw if you see typos or errors plz point them out :)

"Who's the hobo raiding the bar?" Klaus yells to nobody in particular. The sound of footsteps echoed the house.

"What?" Luther was the first one to arrive to see the 'hobo raiding the bar'. Speaking of her, she's not currently raiding the bar anymore.

"You guys got any orange juice?" She says, sprawling herself over the couch, a bottle of tequila in her grasp. Five 'magically' materialized in the center of the room almost as if she had called him.

"Give me that!" He seized the bottle from her greasy paws and restored it to its rightful spot on the shelf.

"Listen, that's not what I brought you here for (Name)." He began pacing around the room as his other siblings entered the room. 

"There's a hobo?" Allison says as she enters the room with Diego, glancing around. (Name) waves at the woman as she simultaneously stands up. 

"Hey, Five, dude, can we get the show on the road?" You snap at him making him give you The Look. You shrug before sitting back down. He opens his mouth to speak,

"Siblings, this is (Name), an associate of mine. (Name), these are my siblings. Do we all understand? Great." Five rolls his shoulders back in exasperation.

"Do you have any non-idiotic questions?" He asks, the cadence making it sound rhetorical. Diego raises his hand.

"This isn't a classroom, Diego, you don't have to raise your hand to speak, you genius." Five sighs, leaning against the bar. Diego rolls his eyes,

"What exactly does she do and better yet, why is she here?" 

She brushes her fringe out of her eyes so she can make eye contact. 

"I possess the 'superpower' of psychometry which, in layman's terms, means I can 'read' objects and people in a sense." She slouches on the couch until she's practically fall off of it.

"She's here to help stop the apocalypse since _some_ of us are a _little_ less willing to help." He motions with hands towards the group of his siblings. 

"What do you mean _'a little less willing to help'_?" Luther says, his siblings already knowing what he's about to say. 

"We get it already, the 'Dad sent me to the moon' spiel is growing old now, but listen, if we don't get our act together now, billions of people are going to die." Five paces around the room, his brain moving at a million miles an hour. 

"But seriously, I think it has something to do with the moon, why else would have Dad sent me up there for?" Luther resumes, looking at his brother. Diego cuts in, 

"Five, how do we know we can trust her?" He glances at the girl who's now fiddling with her pockets. 

"We can't. There's always a possibility that is she is working for the Commission." Five turns to look at the teenager and she stares back. He rolls his eyes.

"She's innocuous for the most part though." He stops leaning on the counter to stretch out his limbs.

"I'm going to try and find a cup of coffee that doesn't taste like shit, and (Name), I don't trust you to not set something on fire, so you're coming with me." She gets up from her seat, 

"Well, toodles for now!" She waves at the group as Five grips her arm. 

They appear in front of Griddy's Doughnuts, the smell of coffee and grease radiating off in waves.

(Name) slumps to the side, the smell of alcohol faint but unmistakable. Five narrows his eyes in suspicion.

"Are you drunk right now?" He shrugs her off of his shoulders as he clutches her arm. She smiles, 

"Maybe. Maybe not. You'll never know." She laughs at him. He rolls his eyes.

"Stop trying to act intelligently and come on." He hauls her by her arm into the shop, the two of them sitting next to a middle-aged man in a baseball cap.

The waitress, an old lady, Agnes, her name-tag reads, comes out from the back of the shop. She gently smiles and takes the man's order. 

"And young man, what would you and your girlfriend like?" Five rolls his eyes as he glances at (Name).

"Coffee. Black. And a cup of water. Thanks." He nods, his tone sarcastic as he turns to the girl sitting next to him. She kicks her feet back and forth as she turns to look at him. 

"Underage drinking is illegal." He kicks her leg as she coughs. 

"Well, so is killing people, and I don't complain about you doing it." She grins as Agnes comes back with the coffee and water. 

(Name) casually sips the water, her head pulsating as Five turns to the man sat next to him. 

They engage in a discussion that she honestly tunes out as she sips her water. Once they finish talking, the man exits the shop, and Five starts to sip his coffee.

"You know honestly, coffee is digusti-" She begins to say as men enter the room and start shooting, prompting (Name) to squat down to get away from the gunfire. Five instantly springs into action, taking down the men quicker than you can say 'but Dad sent me up to the moon'. 

Once the shooting stops, she pops right back up.

"Holy shit!" She exclaims, stepping over various puddles of blood.

"So what now?" She pipes, glancing around the room. Five walks over to one of the men with a knife in his eye and rips it out. 

He slices his arm open, removing out a small metal object triumphantly. 

"Okay, but you might need to uh, 'fix' that before you bleed out." She says, studying the long cut on his arm. 

"Pssh, I'll be fine, now let's go."

They exit the establishment and Five drops and smashes the small metal gadget, it crunching under his shoe.

Grabbing her hand, they teleport to an apartment of which Five seems to know. Maybe.

"Sit." He points to the brown couch draped with blankets as he plops down into an armchair. 

She rolls her eyes but reluctantly complies, relaxing her head on the arm of the couch. A woman opens the door soon after and almost passes out when she notices the two of them. 

"Five and, who are you?" She asks, lying her bag and coat down. Five shuts his eyes and sighs, seeming very tired. 

"This is (Name), a 'friend' of mine, we'll call her. (Name), this is my sister, Vanya. Now that that's over, Vanya, I need to tell you something." Five rises up from his seat and sets his hand on his sister's shoulder.

"What exactly is it? Did you kill someone?" Vanya speaks, looking at the spots of blood that decorated Five's outfit. (Name) laughs as she stands. 

"Yeah, he did, but that's beside the point, you have any orange juice?" She says, slowly wandering over to the kitchenette. 

"Uh, yeah, second shelf but Five, you killed someone!?" Five looks at the girl raiding his sister's fridge before focusing back on Vanya. 

"This shouldn't have been a surprise to anyone, but yeah, I killed people, get over it. Anyway, what I'm here for is to tell you that the apocalypse is coming, and if we don't fix it, in about ten days, everyone will be dead." Five looks into his sister's eyes as he tells her.

"You know, Five, this sounds crazy to anyone who can't verify it, right?" (Name) had finally gotten her mimosa, it's happy hour somewhere. She was leaning on the counter, drink in hand.

"Why are you telling me this, I'm just the 'normal' Hargreeves sister," Vanya says as she sits on the couch, Five right behind her. 

"I did tell the others but Vanya, you're, for lack of a better term, special. You're much more of a level-headed person than the others." He speaks, patting his sister's shoulder.

"Five, are you, bleeding?" Vanya cuts in, grabbing Five's wounded arm. 

"Unfortunately," He sighs, watching his sister leave the room quickly. (Name) plops down beside him on the couch, her chin on his shoulder. 

"Vanya doesn't believe you, you know that, right?" (Name) says between sips. Five attempts to shrug her off, attempts being a keyword.

"Stop using your powers on unwilling people, (Name)." He utters, rolling up his sleeve as Vanya comes back with a first-aid kit. 

"How did this even happen in the first place?" She says, disinfecting the wound. Five mumbles something before inhaling.

"It's truly irrelevant, but what really matters is that you listen to me, the apocalypse is going to happen and we all die." Five rolls his sleeve down as Vanya finishes dressing the wound. 

"Maybe the time travel frazzled your brain, we can talk about this tomorrow," Vanya hands Five a blanket. 

"I guess she can stay too, Goodnight." Vanya leaves the room, Five and (Name) left alone. 

"Well, I know you definitely aren't about to go to sleep, so where are we going?" (Name) stretches, her bones popping. 

"Somewhere." 


	2. gays 4 donald

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nuthin' much, just wanted to post another chapter since the last time it did it was like 3 FREAKING WEEKENDS ago. thanks.

Five had spatially jumped them back to the Hargreeves family home. 

"Back here? I thought we were going somewhere interesting." She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. Five rolled his eyes, grabbing her arm.

"I  _ am  _ going somewhere, you are going to stay here and sleep." Five grumbled, opening the door. She pulled against him, eventually picking him up.

"You are surprisingly light, do you need a sandwich or two?" She laughed as her arms were suddenly empty and Five was in front of her. 

He grabbed her baggy shirt, pulling her down to look eye-to-eye. 

"Look, I'm not positive if you're even remotely conscious of this," Five spoke, his eyes blazing. 

"But I am  _ not  _ a child nor a person to be babied," He let go of her shirt, her face blank, a smile ghosting her lips.

He brushed the invisible dust off his jacket, turning back to her, "Let's go into the house." He grabbed her arm again and this time wasn't met with resistance. 

"Klaus, are you here?" Five yelled in the foyer, glancing around. A cacophony of noise was heard from the bar.

A disheveled Klaus exited a room entering the foyer. 

"I was just having a little nightcap." Klaus leaned against the staircase, the stench of strong alcohol radiating across the room, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Five let go of (Name), walking toward his brother. 

"I need your help with something." Five stated, tapping his foot, echoing throughout the entire room.

"Really?! Do you need to hide a body?" Klaus feigned shock as he dramatically leaned against the staircase. Five entered the dining room, cleaning invisible dust off of the long table.

"Not right now but momentarily, I need you to take care of her." Five motioned to the girl who was currently browsing through a multitude of old, dusty books.

Klaus walked, well, stumbled over to the girl, draping himself over her shoulder. 

"No offense Klaus, but I'm perfectly fine by myself." (Name) said, looking over at Five. A quiet, 'none taken' escaped from Klaus as he waltzed over to the grumpy man-boy, otherwise known as Five.

"(Name), you're 18 years old, smoke more than Klaus, no offense, and drink like a sailor; if that's not clearly a need from babysitting then I don't know what is." Five ran his fingers through his hair, pursing his lips. 

Her face lit up as she rested her shoulders and leaned against the massive bookcase. 

"Okay, I guess I'll let Klaus  _ babysit _ me then." (Name) slouched to the floor, pulling out an interesting looking book on the way down. Five's face morphed into annoyance, brows furrowed and then into a passive, spacey look.

He blinked before looking at Klaus who was rambling about what sounded like the best alcohol. 

"Okay." He said, imagining she had previously agreed from the start. He spatial-jumped, the area where he had been standing clear.

"Now that the coast is clear, you got any good booze?" (Name) threw the book aside, rising from the floor as she looked at the man in front of her.

"Yeah duh." Klaus took her by the arm, dragging her up the stairs to a dusty room. (Name) laid face down on the bed as Klaus dug through dressers. 

“Ha, found it!” He exclaimed falling onto the next to her. She raised her and then sat up, taking the bottle of vodka from his hand. 

She took a long swig leaning against the bedpost.

(Name) took a deep breath, and handed the bottle back to Klaus. “Really needed that,” she giggled, slipping off the bed. 

“Soooo, wanna set something on fire?” Klaus leaned onto his hand as (Name) looked back at him, a flame sparkling in her eyes, with all the puns intended. She stood up and started prancing around the room. 

“Of course I do!” She jumped up and down causing Klaus to laugh.

\------

“Do we get to set this on fire?” (Name) excitedly pointed to the rusted cars in the lot, doing a little happy dance. Klaus nodded, tossing her a box of matches. 

“We need one more, don’t we now, (Name)?” Klaus questioned, slowly inching to a random dumpster. 

“Do you have gas?” Her eyes sparkled in the night as she leaned onto Klaus’ shoulder, practically vibrating with excitement. He pointed to the dumpster and slightly shoved her towards it.

(Name) quickly ran over, grabbing the four cans of gasoline and waling back, handing two cans to Klaus. She began to douse the cars in gasoline, the lot starting to fill with the noxious smell.

Once the gas ran out in all four cans, (Name) grabbed the box of matches out of her jean pocket, striking one as she slowly walked back towards Klaus. She threw the match into a puddle of gas as the pile of cars lit up in a beautiful display of oranges, reds, and yellows.

She hung onto Klaus’ arm as she gazed into the hypnotic waves of fire. Minutes, maybe even hours, passed before Klaus said something. 

“The sun is starting to rise, so we should go before the little man comes back and skins me.” Klaus laughed, turning to exit the lot. (Name) blinked before nodding and following. 

“Let’s go get breakfast!” (Name) exclaimed, eventually dragging Klaus along. “I’ll even pay too!” Klaus sighed as he rested his hand on her head.

“Yeah, sure, whatever you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit 9/29/2020: i am working on the next chapter. however, i am a student and it might take a while for it come out. sorry.


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